I ONLY WISH I HAD SOME BRAINS

I always thought that I had a modicum of intelligence, very little seemed to be beyond my comprehension until that is, I decided to go for wireless technology.
Matthew, Kathleen and James

I recently changed my television, telephone and broadband provider from NTL to the new Sky package which when advertised looked far more attractive and better value for money then the previous supplier.

So the engineer arrived to install the T.V. system and Telephone socket. 20 minutes later it’s all done. “Ah but, ah but” say’s I “but what about my broadband connection”. “That will take about ten days to come through, you’ll get a letter with a code and instructions, and the following day you will receive your router then you can get reconnected to the Internet . Fortunately NTL had not pulled the plug on their broadband connection. So I was still able to communicate with the outside world.

So I wait for the equipment to arrive, which it did the day before we were due to go to Ireland. On returning from holiday I find that my broadband connection to NTL had been severed. So now I have to get to grips with this new system and get it installed on the computer.

Instruction (1). Remove items from the packaging. Do you know I think I could have figured that one out all by myself. I digress, but it reminded me of the label on a carton of tarimasu, the label was on the bottom of the carton and said “DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.” Anyway back to the unpacking.

I follow the instructions to the letter, and the wizard is there to prompt me press next etc. At the end of a sequence of instructions, I am informed you are now ready to go WIRELESS. The final instruction is “You may now remove the cable connection to your router and press next. The screen tells me congratulations you have successfully installed Wire Free technology.

This is fantastic thinks I, I’ll check for e-mails having been off line for about three days, I thought I would be inundated with mail. Of course I had forgotten that I was with a new provided. So it was a huge surprise to find that there was no mail waiting. Then I suddenly twigged on to the fact that apart from one person nobody else knew what my new address was going to be. So I’d better send a few mail shots out with the new address. Suitably composed I press SEND. To be greeted by ERROR local connection not available, retry or cancel, I’ll try the retry option. ERROR local connection is not connected to your computer. That’s strange thinks’ I, I’ll try the Internet, might as well check my bank after the holiday, pump in the required details which I know off by heart and press enter. Cannot connect to this page TRY etc etc etc.

One more try, and then the bloody laptop is going through the window. No it’s doesn’t want anything to do with E-Mails or the Internet.... Read the booklet again, turn that bloody television off and let me concentrate. I am convinced I have followed the booklet word for word, action for action, so why doesn’t it flaming well work. Right connect everything back up again and start all over, yet again.

Having now reconnected everything, would it be worth trying the Internet again? Well why the hell not thinks I. Pressing the Internet connection icon, up pop’s the Google Home page. Yep I’m in, O’bloody’ray.
Quick try the e-mail icon, yep that’s up and running too, O.K. only a couple of welcome messages from sky and one from my friend. Oh happy day’s.

Or that’s what I thought, but as soon as I had disconnected the cables. I was back to square one. But worst was still to come with the cables re-connected the computer slowed down to a snails pace. In fact it took what seemed like an eternity just to get into the start up screen. Well call me a defeatist if you will, but I put up with that for about ten days. Then during a visit to my daughters, I just happened to mention to my 13 year old grandson the problems I was encountering with the computer. Quick as a flash “you need a DONGLE granddad” say’s Matthew, “A what” say’s I. “A dongle, you put it in the back of the computer into a USB port”. I must have looked really vacant, because Matt said “it looks like a memory stick that you plug in to receive the wireless signal”.

Oh I am with you now Matt, No I don’t need one of those it’s already got one in the computer. Matt in his usual laid back manner, shrugs is shoulders ya OK granddad and walks off. Another ten days or so elapses, When my local Vicar Greg calls in to see me. Now I know he is well into computers so I tell him of my plight, and for the next hour he tried in vain to get the ruddy thing to work correctly. Do you know I still don’t know why Greg called round.

At which point the wife comes back from walking the dog, I’ve just seen the Sky engineer down the road and I’ve asked him if he could pop in and sort you out, as he only lived locally he agreed to pop in when he had finished work. True to his word at 6.15 Steve calls he must have spent all of 5 minutes with the computer and declared. “You need a wireless receiver to pick up the signal from the router to computer. What says I. A wireless receiver. I have to ask” is that per chance what is known as a Dongle”. Well yes I have heard them called that, but if you go to P.C.World and ask for a 108 net scape wireless receiver they will sort you out.

Sorry Matt. I should have listened to you, he was right all the time.

So off to P.C.World that week-end, and we are fixed up in a matter of minutes.

Right lets get this gizmo home, and put the job to bed. You will recall I said the computer was running painfully slow so I think to myself do this right Keith. Un-install what you have at the moment and create a restore point, which I did back to the 5th August, when everything was running ok. That done I try out the computer prior to re-installing the Broadband hardware yet again. Utopia every thing was fine speed back to normal. As we say in England all is fine with the world.

Right, here we go re-install. By now I know the book verbatim, the final screen you are now ready to go wireless, disconnect the lead from the router to the computer. I’ve been here before thinks I. All disconnected, reboot right. Windows is saving your settings, windows is closing down, screen goes blank, then DER DER Windows jumps back into life.

Fantastic, so we are off and running again. “Not so fast say’s the mighty God of computers; you still cannot get onto the NET or send an E-MAIL unless I say you can. Reconnect all the wires and I’ll let you in again.” But,but it’s supposed to be wireless. “Not unless I say it is”. That’s just how it felt that the powers that be, were conspiring against me.

Another few days went by, till out of the blue my eldest grandson (16) dropped in. What bring you up here unannounced, well I’m back at school tomorrow and Mum say’s your still having fun with your computer !! Now I don’t swear in front of my grandchildren, but I came very close to it on this occasion “FUN” Well granddad I ‘ll have a look at it for you if you want? “Want, be my guest son”. “Have you got your book of instructions “ asks James. Yes I have but if you want I’ll quote it to you. “No Granddad I’ll read it if you don’t mind”.

A couple of aaar’s and whooo’s later “ got it”. Got what say’s I. “I think I’ve got it” says James. Sound like a line from “MY FAIR LADY” (By George he’s got it.) and indeed he had. 9 minutes flat it had taken and I was totally wireless and logging on to the Net.

So I have come to the conclusion that I should revise my opening sentence from a modicum of intelligence. To modicum of intelligence unless it appertains to computers in which case it should read is thick and unable to comprehend the finer points of technology. Which is true, I am fine if whatever I am doing does what I expect it to do, then all is well with the world. It’s when it does something that is completely unexpected, that’s when I am at a complete loss as to what I should do next. Thank the Lord for Grand kids.

Just to rub salt into the wounds, when I asked James what he had done to make the blooming thing work. He said I read the book Granddad. Just read the book.!! Don’t you just love clever Grand kids ?